Excerpts released from new book "written" by Snooki. Entire NJ educational system explodes. Officials seek law to have readers under the age of 30 immediately sterilized. Scientists link release of book to dead birds dropping from skies. Tony Soprano issues contract.

http://www.celebitchy.com/133618/more_excerpts_from_snookis_mind_numbing_new_book/

Sign of the Apocalypse: Book "authored" by Snooki comes out today. Technicians standby to administer electroshock therapy to all buyers. Investigators discover book was entirely done by ghost writers save for the words "like", "you know", and fuhgedaboutit". NJ Senator calls for book to be required reaading in schools thus raising IQ of future NJ generations.

http://www.mediabistro.com/ebooknewser/snookis-novel-comes-out-tomorrow_b4720

Simon Cowell admits he's a jackwagon to cash in on TV ratings. Researchers still fail to find reason why people with IQ over 9 consider anything Cowell does "entertainment". In related news, Cowell set to make public appearances. Promises to spit on each and every person who attends.

http://www.nowmagazine.co.uk/celebrity-news/509785/simon-cowell-i-don-t-want-to-pretend-we-re-nice-people-because-we-re-not/1/

Kim Kardashian cashes in bigger than any other reality "star". In other news, researchers announce American TV viewing IQ now averages 9. Kardashian to invest in new helium breasts, plans to audition for Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 2011.

http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2010/12/07/kim_kardashian_is_the_highest_paid_rea

Bristol Palin's success on "Dancing With the Stars" leads to massive number of complaints to FCC. FCC responds, runs out of saliva tests for complainants. Nancy Pelosi secretly signs up at Arthur Murray. Al Sharpton blames it on the boogie.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/celebrity/palin-success-triggered-fcc-complaints

Kathy Griffin appears at event honoring men & women in the US military. Makes fat joke about Bristol Palin. Forgets Palin's brother served in the military. Booed mercilessly by soldiers and those in attendance. Kathy Griffin has officially jumped the shark. Search continues for anything funny Griffin has ever done.

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b214681_bristol_palin_slams_kathy_griffins.html

Sarah Palin to take Kate Goselin camping as part of reality show. Producers handing out dinner napkins and eating utensils for local bear population. Palin celebrates, gives Kate warm winter jacket with bullseye painted on back. Episode tentatively titled "Taking Out the Trash". America prepares celebration.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2010/12/sarah-palin-kate-gosselin-tlc-reality-tv-camping.html

Kardashian sister admits feeling terrible when losing virginity at 14. Plans reality show recreation. FCC demands BRAVO supply air sickness bags for viewing public. Snookie prepars to annouce her virginity loss prior to being conceived.

http://www.popeater.com/2010/11/29/khloe-kardashian-lost-virginity/

Woman wears bikini to airport in protest of patdown. TSA officials take note. Invite Kim Kardashian to fly as often as possible. Gameboy geeks rush to apply for job at TSA. Still have never seen a real vagina.

http://www.nbclosangeles.com/traffic/transit/Traffic-LAX-holiday-travel-thanksgiving-110384004.html?dr

Kim Kardashian finally finds perfect spokesmodel role. Opens toilet facility in Manhattan. Also promotes the new "KK Toilet Seat", designed to avoid accidents while seated. "Media Whore" and "Will Show Up Anywhere for Cash & Photo Ops" meters break.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1332531/Kim-Kardashian-plumbs-new-depths-opens-toilet-facility-Times-Square.html

Animal rights group blasts Sarah Palin for clubbing a dead fish. Palin offers to visit group offices for personal demonstration. In other news, Nancy Pelosi receives anonymous gift of halibut scented perfume.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1332543/Sarah-Palin-blasted-animal-rights-group-clubbing-fish-death-TV.html