Man finds reason for headaches. Has knife removed from skull after 4 years. Seeing reasons for hope of a cure, medical team immediately dispatched to homes of Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110218/ap_on_re_as/as_china_knife_in_head

Women want bugger butts. Willing to take pills used to fatten up animals. American convention of successful transplants being planned for local Wal-Marts. "Moronically stupid and should not being allowed to procreate" tag applies.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3407557/Many-British-women-so-desperate-for-bigger-bum-they-take-chicken-fattening-pills.html

Mississippi to issue new license plate honoring favored son. Plans to unveil plate at ceremony pulling white hood from over item. Cross burning renamed "Celebratory Bonfire". Plans continue to have State roped off and deemed "Not Fit for Human Consumption".

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20110210/D9L9TRQG0.html

Grocery store clerk seeks to start a new rage with special taste test for female customers. Police intervene. One officer heard to say "You're coming with me". Somewhere there's a bull smiling.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/new-mexico/dna-links-grocery-clerk-semen-found-yogurt-sample-eaten-woman-010209003202011

Veteran baseball announcers says that University President is "queer for softball". Hard Balls Union files protest. Returns to hotel room, finds it filled with designer purses and Manolo Blahniks. RuPaul sends regards.

http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20110207/SPT04/102080353

Christine O'Donnell rushed to hospital. Doctors find no evidence of brain matter and order immediate injection of concrete to stabilize her ability to walk. Concrete inserted. O'Donnell begins to speak. Plan to insert brain from "Rex the Wonder Dog" on tap.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2011/02/08/state/n105409S20.DTL&tsp=1

Lindsay Lohan finally perfect long term starring role. Prepares to sign 3 year exclusive contract for new series "Prison Bitch". Agrees to donate all proceeds to County of Los Angeles Corrections Department.

http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/08/lindsay-lohan-lawsuit-tanning-tan-lorit-simon-las-vegas/